• Tuesday, August 08, 2006

    "Hey, I'm no Dr. Phil"

    I went to Charleston, S.C. last weekend for a little R&R. One of my best friend's wife invited me along with a couple of her friends and her sister. I don't want to drag this out too much and I know she is reading this now, so "A" I'm about to let off some steam- prepare yourself and forgive me ahead of time. I'll be brief and begin with how I was completely unprepared for how very difficult some females can be to travel with. I've been spoiled with some pretty good gals whom I hike, kayak, and backpack with now and again here in N.C., and I think I was in shock when I had to deal with the typical Mississippi Southern Belle and her high-maintenance ways. Examples? How about wearing heels after being warned not to because of all the walking required in Chraleston, and then complaining and wanting to go home because of blisters? Another example? How about not taking advice to get a solo kayak rather than a tandem, and then complain about how horrible the tandem is and then go so far as demanding that someone switch? It gets better- how about throwing a fit all night long keeping everyone up by slamming the hotel room door, and crying and screaming and arguing with folks until someone finally caved in to give said person her due attention... this is a 29 year old BTW and I finally got to sleep at 6AM and woke up at 7AM to lead a kayaking tour. I could go on and on, but then I'd be borderline asshole, maybe even total asshole. Now, in all fairness, this young lady happened to be going through a very tough time in her life, and I suppose I should have been a little more sympathetic. I was not on my best behavior in the sensitivity department although I did make a valiant effort- I swear! I have a very sarcastic and dry sense of humor which can be taken incredibly offensively if one does not know me very well as I tend to deal with difficult situations with these, in my opinion, "qualities". I am also quite arrogant at times, which is certainly not my intention, but my confidence can certainly get out of hand. To make a long story short, this girl went barking up the wrong tree with her manipulative ways, and Jake had to send that dog wimpering away with her tail between her legs. Yes, I made her cry. In the end, all I can really say is, "Hey, I'm no Dr. Phil."

    Charleston wasn't a complete failure. I and the others still made the best of a bad situation. The city is incredible, it reminds me of New Orleans in many ways except cleaner and less sweltering. I ate enough to feed Somalia for a week and I think I fell in love... with the views of course. I was constantly wondering about these South Carolinians and their flag. If you've ever been you know what I'm talking about. That flag was on every vehicle, in every window, and on every other T-shirt. I began to have dreams about that damn thing. At first I thought to myself "that looks like some kind of Muslim flag- what the hell?" After some investigation and interrogation of a local merchant I got the full scoop over a praline and bottled coke. Apparently, the Crescent was worn by the militia during the Revolution, and the Palmetto (which is a plant) was used to defend the city against the cannons of the British Navy during the great blockade. Apparently the pliability of this large plant faired better than hardwood, even causing some of the cannonballs to bounce off them. The explanation was much more colorful and storytellish than what I just regurgitated, but that's the impatient Jake version. I've got a lot to talk about and am trying to cut this down a bit. These South Carolinians are worse than Texans with their flag, and I'd say they rival the Canadians and that little Maple Leaf obsession that those confused North American/French/Indian (sorry Jenna just a small joke) insist on sewing to their luggage and backpacks when traveling. Kayaking was cool, we saw dolphins up close the entire time, and it's always cool to see new kayakers enjoy themselves so much (all but one). A horse carriage ride is a must, as is a walk in the old artillery battery. Charleston is haunted too, and I think my ghost will be returning again soon before I leave the East Coast. Oh yeah, and I brought back two and a half pounds of pralines.

    That's what I did last weekend, the week before that I was simply eating, working out, sleeping and eating... a lot. My training over the last few weeks at Camp Slappy was intense to say the least. Turns out eating acephalous worms, turtles, grass, stingling nettle, and berries doesn't do much for nutrition, and neither does stealing a handful of rice from prison guards. I lost a total of 22 lbs. It was all muscle, as I didn't have an ounce of fat on my body going out there. When I got home and looked in the mirror, I thought I looked like a light-skinned Ehtiopian. I was in such disarray I decided to call Worldvision and apply for being a Worldvision kid. I figured I could get a couple of sponsors who would help nurture me back from starvation. Turns out I'm a little old for the program, so I called Sally Struthers, turns out she's been long forgotten somewhere in the dark continent herself. So, I've taken to two-a-day workouts, lots of Muscle Milk, and Creatine, and lots of resting, hence my absence.

    I also was able to see Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby this past weekend. Holy cowbell! That movie was ridiculously funny if you're a Will Ferrell fan. It is a total joke of all things Red State. The worst part is that Red Staters have no idea they're being made fun of, and all those Red Sate Nascar fans are the ones buying all those tickets. Go figure.

    Lastly, what is the deal? I leave for three weeks and come back to Israel invading Lebanon? Mother of Pearl! I always miss the big stuff. Well, there's the update- long and uneventful. I am officially back, but I can't say that I'll be as active as I was before, I just am getting the squeeze on some things here, and things are a little crazy with Mother Army these days. I'll keep you posted.


    At 8/08/2006 10:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Welcome back, Jake. We missed you!


    At 8/08/2006 10:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Nice to see you back Jake....my weekend out with the girls was quite more fun and entertaining.. In fact as they got into the diet I am fat mode of speak as women do..while I was teaching them how to shoot pool...I dead panned by asking if they had heard of the SERE diet plan, guaranteed weight loss (PTA moms and girly girls). Made their eyes get really wide then said ICK. I told them about your and Shamrock's blog and we proceeded to toast you with a couple tequilla shots.

    Bodacious Flirt

    At 8/09/2006 8:31 AM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    Well well well. Why am I not surprised that YOU pissed a chick off and made her cry. Not you! not the Commando! Look sarcasm is like a form of interpretive dance. Some people get the vibe and jam along with you. Others don't understand it and become very scared and emotional. I want some pralines


    At 8/09/2006 9:59 AM, Blogger Jake said...

    anonone- the feelings are mutual friend.

    bodacious- cheers!!! much appreciated, and I hope ya'll had a good night. shamrock and I debriefed one another over a burger and a beer at Red Robin's.

    Shamrock7- Then I need to be dancing with the stars... Look, like I said- "Hey, I'm no Dr. Phil". Alpha male vs. Zeta female is not a good combination. This apparently may have a lot to do with why I am still single. As I've predicted previously, I'm gonna have to find a crazy peace corps girl who can hold her own and keep up with me. Otherwise, in a few years, I'm gonna take a vow of celibacy and become a priest.

    At 8/09/2006 10:44 AM, Anonymous Kath said...

    Gotta tell you, girls like that drive me up the wall. I have one girl friend, the rest are guys... Pretty much 'cause I was always doing the shooting/sports thing.

    Glad you're back!

    At 8/09/2006 10:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake, Jake, Jake..once you find your kryptonite it will be all over heels or no heels (lol) and Shamrock will be there to watch the whole thing (dam Shamrock you get all the fun). btw are you the one who took her tandem kayak in exchange? Sounds hilarious from the cheap seats and somehow I just can't picture you with a "Chris LeDoux" Copenhagen Woman type.

    Hey...may I have some pralines too!

    Bodacious Flirt

    At 8/09/2006 12:26 PM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    P.S. Monkey Assassin lives!

    At 8/09/2006 2:55 PM, Blogger emm said...

    Ok, you are making me cry too…tears of laughter. Here, here! Let me state for the record on this blog that not all Southern Belles are like this 29 YO.

    Yup, Ricky Bobby is quite quotable… “When you say 'psychosomatic,' do you mean he can start fires with his mind?”

    I am sure you will be back to your Creatine self in no time.

    At 8/09/2006 4:33 PM, Blogger Blue2Green said...

    isreal invades lebanon...good thing you got Arabic. better ask for that levantine dialect course bro

    At 8/09/2006 7:34 PM, Anonymous AngelinMI said...

    Glad that you are back. I had finished reading your old posts long ago.

    At 8/09/2006 10:42 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    kath- yeah, I think ever since I saw the contents of your glove compartment, (knife, glock, knife, etc etc.??) I've hoped you had a single sister. It's good to be back.

    bodacious- i'm no superman either. i'm afraid shamrock won't get to see it as i am no longer assigned to 10th group. mother army doesn't care about her offspring very much. no, i was not the one who switched kayaks, that would be the other guy. i wanted her to suffer and learn a good lesson. is that bad?

    shamrock- and I've got at least nine lives.

    emm- *pulls out handkerchief* let me help you with those tears. *smirk*
    that's great and all about Southern Belles but I don't think Southerners are for me anymore. CHE BLASPHEMY!!! Oh, and "I'd like to thank Baby Jesus for my sons Walker and Texas Ranger... and my super hot wife." I'm in the loading phase of my Creatine.

    b2g- dialect? i barely understand the alphabet!

    angelinmi- Benvenuta!!! How did you find my little hole in the wall?

    At 8/09/2006 11:28 PM, Anonymous neva said...

    he's ba-a-ack!! and it's mighty good to see a new post here!!

    i think you did that girl a favor, even tho' i try to teach my sons to treat women with all good respect, they've dated a few who deserved anything *but*.

    your kyak trip sounds amazing, my youngest did something similar in Costa Rica a few years ago (he was down there for 6 weeks) and got to watch schools of dolphin feeding at sunrise... it was profound, to say the least.

    love your stories of NC... and couldn't agree with you more about Talledega Nights! it was a great surprise, don't ya think?

    on a more serious note, let me say how proud i am of you, for i know you just went through some serious hell... i was very relieved to see your happy face the other day, and it's good to have you back in good blogging form! love the new avatar, too! xox

    At 8/10/2006 1:48 PM, Anonymous Kath said...

    Haha, actually not a Glock, (too box-y for me) but a Browning Hi Power ;o)
    And if I had a sister, single or no, I'd probably force her your way. Keep up the good work

    At 8/10/2006 2:57 PM, Anonymous Lisa said...

    sorry, but you're mistaken... no one is more proud of their flag than Texans

    At 8/10/2006 3:56 PM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

    geesh! glad your back :) you need a good woman to put that 22lbs back on for ya;)

    At 8/10/2006 8:06 PM, Blogger Jenna Howard said...

    Why is it that you come back and immediately pick on me? *pout* Sigh. I just can't WIN in this place.

    Welcome home monkey man. Welcome home.

    At 8/10/2006 9:39 PM, Blogger G said...

    Believe me Jake, comes to Queens, my mother in law will feed you like there's no tomorrow - all good food too and you'll be back to fighting weight in no time.

    Take care of yourself, we need the security in the Snark - especially during these difficult time.

    Oh and high maintenance is not a good quality in anything.

    At 8/10/2006 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake....Mother Army sure can be a tough love kind of woman...sorry to hear about the change.

    btw...I probably would have made her cry too! Dam slamming doors and pouting....Hell No! I have two daughters and they know way better than to cry or have a tantrum to get what they want.

    I am with the rest of the women here...you need to find a good woman to feed you and spoil you for a bit.

    I know your not superman (you still a babe in the woods)...just my sense of humor.


    At 8/10/2006 10:50 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    neva- Sono tornato!!!! I was apprehensive at first, but ended up being very pleasantly surprised at Ricky Bobby. The new avatar is my more professional look, even a primate cleans up well I suppose.

    kath- nice piece! I like the 1911, and the HK USP's, Glocks are nice because I don't like having a safety, but you're right- they are boxy, and ergonomically challenged (unless you like the "ergonomic" design). Yeah, God only makes gals like ya'll every now and then, but thanks for the thought.

    Lisa- Yes, but Texans seem a bit confused these days whe it comes to their two flags... the other being red, green, and white. Maybe we could take some of those Palmettos from South Carolina and build a wall- hey, it worked against the British Navy. *shrugs shoulders*

    barngoddess- yeah, it's good to be back. As for putting back on the pounds- I'll stick with the protein shakes.

    jenna- winning is everything... "And bottom line is- I'm the best. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence!"

    g- not sure if I could handle in-laws right now. my worldvision account # is 8675309 though. send food there. so long as the monkey assassin is around there will be 360 degrees of security in the Park, especially since it's become urbanized.

    bodacious- Mother Army is a black widow spider. The Order of St. Francis becomes more appealing by the year. I'm almost human, but not quite. I am still a primate (the highest life-form before homosapien) for now until the spell is loosed.

    At 8/11/2006 8:05 AM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    Jake: piss excellence?...Doe sthat really mean that you cry a little every time you look down during your morning piss. Thus creating your dark attitude?

    Or am I off base here?

    At 8/11/2006 8:13 AM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    P.S. Pralines now! You know where i am.

    At 8/11/2006 9:01 AM, Blogger emm said...

    Watch out for that lightning there, blasphemer.

    Ok just a few more …

    “if it isn’t our mangy, old, transient grandpa.”

    “This sticker is inconvenient and dangerous, but I do like Fig Newtons."

    “...and I quote the late great Col. Sanders ‘I'm too drunk...to taste this chicken’" Not funny at all since Col. Sanders was Mormon.

    At 8/11/2006 9:09 AM, Blogger emm said...

    forgot. nice worldvision acct #.

    At 8/11/2006 10:04 AM, Blogger Jake said...

    Shamrock- Jake's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. As for my piss, I do marvel in the mornings at it's flourescence? Is it the protein? The vitamins? The creatine? The T3? Or am is that the color of excellence? The pralines are mine- I earned them.

    emm- I love your work. Now send me some money.

    At 8/11/2006 10:20 AM, Blogger emm said...

    Jenny Jenny -

    You'll get your money when i get my term paper.

    At 8/11/2006 2:44 PM, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

    Welcome back amigo! Looking good I tell you although I do admit to your looking quite dangerous these days! I will still be nutty though and run the risk of being shot... 'tis the way of bohemians I am afraid!

    That chick? Major bitch to say the least... though I am quite the fashion conscious bohemian and in full favor of color coordination, comes with my OCD and Loverboy has learned to not overstep those boundaries or else I will have a heart attack, HEART ATTACK I TELL YOU, I am not crazy about the girly girls... an insult to women with true ovaries I tell you, AN INSULT... too bad her kayak did not sink!

    And kayaking, by the by, sounds delightful! Funkified fo sho!

    22 pounds lighter? Dios mio! What are you doing blogging? Go and eat something!

    Creatine however, is bad for you, BAD, BAD, BAD!!!! *sigh* Oh soldier boy! You gotta join the ranks of the alterna-lovin' hippy ways I tell you when it comes to health! Dios mio!


    And with that... BoheMia out!

    At 8/11/2006 3:58 PM, Blogger Blue2Green said...

    Man, was making girls cry part of your training? HAHAHAHA...check your gmail

    At 8/11/2006 3:58 PM, Anonymous neva said...

    between you and your commenters, who needs imdb? (now *i* want to see Talledega Nights again...)

    i think G is suggesting you allow her mother-in-law to help "fatten" you up... no one here thinks you need to be saddled with a real MIL anytime soon. trust me, there's plenty of time for that down the road...

    oh, and thanks to you, Monkey Assasin, the park has never felt more secure! i'll have to remember to thank Baby Jesus for bringing you back to us--the "newborn 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus", that is... not the “...Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai” Jesus, because... he scares me. xo

    At 8/11/2006 4:15 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    emm- It's Jake dammit. As for the term paper... It'll be ready at the end of the term.

    miz B- I'm a vegetarian... except for chicken... and fish... and cow. Creatine is gooooood, makes me strong. I'm as healthy a Greek God.

    b2g- no, it's just a staple of my personality I suppose.

    neva- yeah, this is certainly a Ricky Bobby crowd. The mere mention of MIL makes me cringe. I think I'll add orphan to my list of qualifiers. For the record, I happen to like "to picture Jesus with angel wings. And he’s singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd."

    At 8/11/2006 4:50 PM, Blogger emm said...

    Are you sassing me? I know your friends. 'nuf said.

    Gosh, these quotes make me laugh. Enjoy your second round of RB. Any line with Lynyrd Skynyrd in it is good in my book.

    At 8/11/2006 4:51 PM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    A Greek God? ......did you get a roommate or something?....!

    At 8/11/2006 5:01 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    emm- I'm not sassing, I'm using my charm.

    shamrock- yes, his name is Achilles.

    At 8/11/2006 5:29 PM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    uuuhhh ...well I guess I'll still be your friend.

    At 8/11/2006 5:44 PM, Anonymous neva said...

    as long as you don't try to snort the Lucky Charms, you'll be okay.

    oh, and what about the "...little baby Jesus, who's sitting in his crib watching the baby Einstein videos learning about shapes and colors"? would you thank him for your Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell? xox

    At 8/11/2006 9:19 PM, Anonymous Dave Wells said...

    LMAO, Jake! Great post! Glad you're back.

    Glad you liked Charleston. It's my favorite city- I hope to retire there someday (or at least have a winter house there. Not sure I could stand the summer).

    I think the Francisicans are a little too liberal and spacey for you. The Order of Preachers (Dominicans) is more up your alley.

    Talk to you soon!

    At 8/12/2006 4:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake.....o/t....have your read the post by "Grim" at blackfive on the view of children and war? I am interested in your and Shamrocks take ont he post....I will also make a note at "Shambo's" place.

    You both are definitely worth the time to read....Ya'll definitely make me laugh...


    At 8/12/2006 9:59 AM, Blogger Cowgirl said...

    Hi. Miss you.

    At 8/12/2006 4:09 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    shamrock- BFF!!! YAY! If we were enemies... “I’m gonna come at you like a spider-monkey”

    neva- no snorting of any sort for me. Just so you know... “I sent my application in to The Real World, and I’m pretty much putting all of my eggs in to that basket… the MTV basket.”

    dave- what about Opus Dei? I hear they rule the world. I just started RCIA- we'll talk soon.

    bodacious- i haven't read it, but I will tonight. shamrock and i are happy to entertain.

    cowgirl- ciao bimba! ci si sente presto...

    At 8/13/2006 3:22 AM, Blogger Politics of a Patriot said...

    I hadn't checked up on your blog since I'd gotten home, but it's good that you're back to blogging as well...

    OMG the South Carolina flag. I didn't even know that *was* their flag until about a week before I left Parris Island, but it was plastered on every freaking vehicle on the island. I am expecting people to start tattooing it on their bodies any day now. I bet someone already has.

    At 8/14/2006 6:03 PM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    I got my pralines ...and they were good.

    At 8/14/2006 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake...RCIA is a great program!

    Shamrock your just a big tease!

    At 8/14/2006 6:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Ooops that was from me.


    At 8/14/2006 10:17 PM, Anonymous CarolinaGirl said...

    I grew up in Charleston, an now I'm so homesick. It is a beautiful place

    At 8/15/2006 10:04 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    poap- you're back? i guess i need to catch up on your blog. i did see a tattoo of the flag.

    shamrock- don't ever say i'm not good to you.

    bodacious- i know.

    carolinagirl- welcome! you in north carolina or south carolina? you should go back. hell, ive been entertaining the thought of starting my own horse carriage crew, and selling pralines on the side to make a living there.

    At 8/15/2006 11:46 PM, Anonymous shayna said...

    Charleston is one of my favorite places in the US... I sooo want to retire there. I stayed at a little bed *okay not so little* and breakfast over looking the harbor... walking downtown was beautiful... eating crab legs at one of the restaurants there... yummy... they were delicious. The people there were fabulous!! I loved the ghost tours... and the romantic horse carriage ride...

    Yeah... Charleston is the place for me... :)

    Sorry you had a crazy lady tagging along with you! :)

    At 8/16/2006 11:09 AM, Blogger Jake said...

    Shayna- Charleston far outshadowed the girl. I'll be answering your questions soon for your project, hope all is well.

    At 8/16/2006 2:50 PM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    post something new asshat

    At 8/17/2006 2:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake...happy Airbone Day! You and Shamrock were added on B5 by Francis Marion in the comments.


    At 8/17/2006 7:56 AM, Blogger Shamrock7 said...

    Jake: look we made the Blackfive list ....WOOHOO!

    At 8/17/2006 8:22 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    Shamrock- I'm busy car shopping.

    BF- gracias for letting me know.

    Shamrock- you're gay.

    At 8/17/2006 10:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    What kind of ride are you looking for Jake?


    At 8/18/2006 12:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake, np....you and Shamrock make me laugh and your my two favorite little boys (lol)....well at least in the top 5 or something like that.

    good luck car shopping.

    you two are keeping good company soon enough you'll be the gold standard.


    At 8/18/2006 1:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake, hang in there...he is right your almost there...don't let it all get you down. Right now it seems forever but soon enough you'll be telling stories and passing along the advice. Damn your going to be great at what you do! Com'on now a blog entry just for you two....that says alot!

    Like I said in one of my first comments guys like you are the best! Even if you are still a young pup...if you get scared just call me...I'll hold your hand *winks" and "flashes a big kool-aid smile" (lol)

    At 8/18/2006 9:22 PM, Blogger Politics of a Patriot said...

    Yep, I'm back Jake. I got medboarded exactly halfway through boot camp.

    Took me about 5 minutes to figure out that "poap" was me. :)

    At 8/21/2006 6:27 PM, Anonymous AngelinMI said...

    Found your blog from the Fast Squirrel blog which I got from Welcome to Andi's World blog which I got from B5. I started out as a B5 fan and went from there. Found out about B5 from Patti at Soldiers' Angels. Anyway, May 5, 2007 in Washington DC is the 2007 Milblog Conference. Andi just announced it on her blog. This spring I caught it on live video and audio feed. Next year I'll be there as a volunteer to help out Andi. Can't wait to meet my favorite milbloggers.

    At 8/21/2006 7:38 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    anonone- a Landrover. I freaking love 'em.

    bodacious- thanks. you're too kind as always. i'm sorry i haven't gotten back to you on that post over at b5. i've just been blogless the last few days. that looks like one of those legendary posts that they have over there now and again.

    poap- i'm sorry to hear that about you having to get out. i'll be over to visit as soon as i get back to blogging again which will be tonight or tomorrow.

    angleinmi- that's a good line of blogs there that you've come from. the blogosphere is a really small world, yet so huge. maybe you'll be starting your own soon as well? glad to have you.

    At 8/21/2006 7:47 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    anonymous- i appreciate the pep talk there anon. however, if you or anybody else winks, flashes a smile, and then tries to hold my hand... I'll just have to"break the wrist and walk away."

    thanks for stopping by it's been a while since you've commented ghost blogger.

    At 8/21/2006 9:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Jake, that is why I did not at first link...could tell it was gonna be a "hot topic" and maybe not what you wanted to discuss here. It just struck a cord the day I read it. But damn!...as you say legendary..last time looked comments were about 357 or something. BTW, that was me, offering to hold your hand if you got scared! LOL.

    We need I new post Jake!


    At 10/03/2006 12:50 PM, Anonymous Niki said...

    Very much enjoyed! I have been in Charleston just once and would like to visit again. And thanks for the SC flag dissertation--I'd seen it on car windows, and wondered myself. My beloved UT's minarets are also similarly 'moorish' looking.

    At 10/06/2006 4:27 PM, Blogger Jake said...

    hey Niki- glad to entertain you. def gotta make it to Charleston sometime. i think i'll be in alexandria in mid november for a concert. i'll let you know.


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